Now picture this: A humongous playground! There are slides, swings, climbing walls and jungle gyms, and sandboxes. And whoa, look over there! There's even a treehouse! Of course there's always the possibility of getting hurt. But even more than that is the invitation for adventure, enticing all five senses to experience the brevity of life!
Which looks more like freedom to you? Which do you think is a better representation of the life choices we make with God?
In week four we had not one, not two, but three speakers. Ed and Kay Morales had been staffing our CRS and helping us process the things we'd learned in class. Philippa Laird was their friend from the Women and Children's Advocacy Center. All three of them were like deep well springs of life, gushing out depth, experience, and wisdom in even the simplest of sentences. And getting sprayed with just the lightest mist of their words challenged me to the core. My heart and mind churned together as my presuppositions and old worldviews collided and dueled with the ideas my speakers presented.
How? I'll let their words speak for themselves. Here are some excerpts from class:
---------------QUOTES and DISCUSSION----------------------
"Part of the elements of human nature is that we tend to polarize because it’s easier for us. We don’t have to think if it’s black and white. We just accept that what someone told us is black is black and what’s white is white. It’s part of our nature to choose what’s easier." - Philippa
"But there are dilemmas in life that don’t have right or wrong answers." - Ed
"You don’t say to a two year old, 'Do you want to run into the road or…?'
We want clear boundaries.
But the more I follow Jesus, the more I hear Him say, 'What do you want to do?'
It’s much easier to say, 'God told me.' and we don’t have to take responsibility. I make a decision and things falls apart, so it’s God’s fault ‘cuz He told me." - Philippa
Q: "How do you find that balance of seeking God, and doing what you’re saying?"
A: "There is no balance. Sorry. There is no perfect way to make a decision. There are no formulas for your relationship with God!" - Philippa
"He gave us choices. He hates atomic robot stuff. He hates it. He loves choices. He loves options. It’s how He created us.
I walk over here, and then what?
He says, 'I love you. I’ll walk with you. I’m still here.'
What if I walk over here?
He responds, 'It’s the same. I haven’t changed. I love you.'
My life is an experiment, taking chances. We build our lives with God, it’s not a straight line on a contract."
- Ed
"God’s given you gifting, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. As that individual He can use you in a multitude of situations and He lets you choose whatever situation that is. And He doesn’t want to just use you. He wants to enjoy you and be alongside you." - Philippa
"If you come out of this school with a formula, all doing the same thing, then we’ve failed because you haven’t met with God." - Ed
"God does not have an agenda for your life. He wants you to discover." - Philippa
Q: "Would God bless you more in one place than in another?"
A: "Sounds like a tight rope to me. An example of split thinking where one is right and one is wrong. The choice God gives you, He’ll be there no matter what. It constantly comes back to your perspective of God. What am I assured of in the nature and character of God? If you drew a picture of Him, what would He be holding in His hand or waiting for you to do? The problem with that question is that there isn’t an answer."
- Ed
Shawn Cothran (a fellow student) commented: "There are Calvinists that are rigid, but they aren’t fully wrong. The line works for some people and the line doesn't work for others. God isn’t different, but He’s bigger than our ideas and thinking. Some people hate making the choice and are going through being weened off of hearing His voice for every little thing. But it always always always goes back to talking with the Lord because He wants to do it with us. If we don’t relate with Him in the choice that we make, we’ve missed the whole point. Sometimes He may just say, 'Make the choice.' But the fact that I go to Him every time makes the difference."
"I lived for years believing that if I prayed really hard and fasted forever before I made the decision, that that decision would be blessed. Somehow as I moved along in life, some of the best choices I made were when I didn’t spend a long time praying. I’ve spent my life in this wheelchair, and spent years seeking healing. I had teaching that if I did all this stuff, and had my ducks in a row, it would be good. And that’s pride. Now I find myself moving more in humility. It’s way more tender and relational with Jesus." - Kay
"How do you assess whether something’s in the will of God or not? They assess the outcome. Is that real life? That if I choose God’s will the outcome will always be blessing? Look at the people who obeyed God in the Bible. Look at Paul. Look at Jesus. He got crucified! How do we assess that we’re doing what’s pleasing to God? If it’s not the outcomes, what is it?" - Ed
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The impact of this teaching sunk to the depths of me. And the recent events of my life prove it.
When I first came to do the Children at Risk school, I had multiple motives. My life mission's statement is to fight for the value and purpose of people, showing them the truth of their identity in Christ. That includes children. I feel called to work with women, and when working with women, often times one needs to know how to work with children. Jesus calls us to the least of these. What better example of this than the littlest of these - children?
But more than anything, one of my main motives was to do the outreach. I wanted to get my hands dirty again. I wanted to sweat for the Kingdom of God. I wanted to experience the adrenaline, stress, and day to day battle of life on the field. I was sick of just sitting and listening and learning about all the ways to reach the world, I wanted to just get out there and do it already!
But as the school went on I got bogged down. Learning about street kids, the sexually, physically, emotionally abused, HIV+ orphans, little girls that are mutilated to be shown their "rightful place", (the horrifying list goes on) is a heavy load. It's not fun to research about all the injustices and hardships that little children around the world are tortured with day in and day out.
So I shifted my focus to myself and my personal life. During the week, all I could think about was how everything applied to me personally, my history, my relationship with God, my upbringing. I invested myself in class time. I took avid notes, I asked deeper questions, I volunteered discussion. But outside of that, I had dropped the ball and allowed myself to be distracted by the swirling thoughts in my head and the "get-away" comforts of the weekends. And somewhere along the way, I just gave up. I quit. My homework got sloppier, less completed, and finally just non-existent. My work duties became less of a priority and more of an after thought. And in my one-on-ones, our discussions got less and less about what I was learning in class, and more and more about my personal struggles and lack of focus. My original motivations were gone now, and I was knee deep in my own muck and mire.
I tried to get back up on my feet. I strove to meet the school's requirements and fix my inner crud in my own strength, but fell down again and again. So much gunk had been uprooted from the dark places of my heart and brought to light, that there was no room for anyone else's darkness (like the hurts of the children at risk).
Now what?
"I love you. I see you. Come be with Me." He whispered.
"Jesus, look at my scum! I'm a screw up. Can You even fix me?"
"No mess you make is too big for Me to fix. I've got you right here and it's going to be just fine. Come be with Me."
And with that, He cut my tight rope.
My plans have changed now. I'm no longer going on outreach and what I will be doing looks totally different from where I thought my life was headed just a few weeks ago. And that's okay. He's blessing that.
But you know what else? He would have blessed whatever decision I had made. I know He will come alongside me in any scenario, in any season of life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because He loves me, and gives me the freedom to grow, explore, change, fall down, learn and discover. Like a little kid at the park or on the playground.
"Can we play on the swings?"
"Unh huh."
"What about the money bars? Can I try the monkey bars?"
"Sure."
I've traded in my tight rope for a playground and I wouldn't want it any other way.